Federal Reserve Chairman Downsizes the "Three Needs of Man" to Food and Clothing

Federal Reserve chairman Ben S. Bernanke cited findings that supported his belief that access to a domicile was "not crucial to survival."

"I was driving home some time ago when I noticed what appeared to be a camp site on the side of the road," Bernanke said, continuing, "I'd made it a short day seeing as it was a Friday and I wasn't expected home for a few hours so I pulled over to inspect this bizarre settlement that had recently popped up and blemished my otherwise pleasant view for the drive home."

"'What's the meaning of this?' I queried the African-American male," Bernanke told reporters. "This man went on to tell me how he and his family had been 'duped'--his words, not mine--into taking out a mortgage for his family's first home with back loaded interest rates and hidden fees he hadn't been alerted to by the creditor. After a year or so, his family ended up homeless, but from what I could see the man and his family certainly weren't in dire straits. They had access to running water from the Applebee's across the street, not to mention delicious handouts, errr...treats, from the generous employees of another fine American eatery: Applebee's. I felt it a bit superfluous after assessing their current state, but for the sake of the country I felt it necessary to reaffirm the president's vested interest in their future and that he's hard at work to make their 'good life, a great one,'" Bernanke concluded.

"It is after my meeting with this courageous family that I am making a push to have 'shelter' eliminated from the Three Needs of Man," Bernanke declared.

"'Shelter' always felt a bit tacked on to me," Bernanke said. "This way, 'the Needs' will be easier to remember for the real treasure--our children," Bernanke said.

In all seriousness, and all Onion-jocking aside, Bernanke REALLY did say in the face of our economy's continued dip closer and closer to recession levels that our economy was "extraordinarily resilient." What type of insight, words of encouragement is that?

I don't know if Bernanke is aware of this but the U.S. dollar is worth only two more cents than the Canadian dollar? When I was in Canada last, five years ago, the Canadian dollar was worth about 3/4 of the U.S. dollar. It was maddening, I was selling t-shirts, CDs, and LPs for a band and it was so irksome to figure out the conversion rate swiftly. That's a bit of a white lie, it was mostly due to laziness and my hatred for all the change in Canadian currency ("Loonies" and "Twonies"?), but that's the past, right now we're in danger of being referred to as Canada, jr.

Do you, my fellow Americans, want to see goofy ass Canadians making jokes about our culture and status in the world? I've grown accustomed to having a place as the giant in the marketplace and I don't need any hockey-loving, maple syrup-slurping, egregious amount of flannel-wearing Canucks pushing me around.

I could swallow it when the Euro dominated the dollar in value, I don't have to deal with Europeans that often. In addition to that, I always have the fall back ace up the sleeve of their hideous 1980s tracksuits to mock them derisively and the bizarre penchant for fashion mullets within their as a trump for any goof ball, quasi-nationalistic argument of "my country > your country."

But CANADA?! They're so close; and with rapidly improving accent-hiding techniques, they can slip into your life undetected.

Hopefully those in charge for now can right this slap to the face of the collective America and we'll be the Teddy Roosevelt's of the global economy once again. Make that Teddy R. after some fine scotch.

"Shriek belligerently and wave your big dick."