Monday, January 28, 2008

An unraveling psyche

Where to start? I realize now, more than ever, if I want to accomplish something (disambiguation will come later...maybe), I need to take a chance. I'm not too worried about rolling a 1-2-3 as much as I'm worried I'm playing the wrong game. Do I have enough dice? Am I rolling out-of-order? Do I even know the game I'm playing? Fuck.

My dwindling delusions of grandeur withstanding, I still believe I can do something(s) I'm proud of. I don't have to be stuck in some shit job that I hate, I took the first step in getting out of the warm, protective embrace of my origin, but where do I go from here? It seems as though my first step wasn't calculated effectively and I'm mired seemingly a step behind where I'd hoped and envisioned I'd be. I was overly arrogant in my estimation of what would be expected of me and now I'm stuck with the penance of slaving away at some pretentious restaurant--exactly where I was 2500 miles ago.

I like to think I'm a survivor; I can live off nothing, I can get by with no one and nothing backing me, but is this belief based in reality? I find beauty in struggle, there's nothing honorable (loaded word alert!) in gifts* or nepotism in its numerous manifestations. I'm all for hustling and making it by my own means and rules or standards. If I have to live in squalor and mediocrity at the expense of never subjecting myself to something I wouldn't mention in a memoir (hypothetical scenario, I'm not so self-aggrandizing enough to reasonably think I will warrant a memoir).

I'm not sucking any cock to make it to the top, sorry. In the interest of full-disclosure, I probably wouldn't be that good anyhow--ask my girlfriend about my oral sex skills.

But what can an aging hipster (why lie?) do to secure a future of greater heights than being that scummy asshole bragging about how he saw X Artist that received posthumous revival in interest from music/art fans to annoyed and disinterested youths? That shit ain't for me. But is it fate--and if so, can you dodge fate? I'm a cusp, so I'm gonna bank on that. Wish me well reader.



















*Anyone reading may feel free to donate money to the author's plight.

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